


Memories

by TheatreThings



Category: Hamilton - Fandom, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: BoyxBoy, Hamilton - Freeform, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-10 18:13:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11132133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheatreThings/pseuds/TheatreThings
Summary: John Laurens looks back on moments with Hamilton





	Memories

Late August, 1782. John Laurens feels the impact of the bullet piercing through him, however the moment takes him by surprise and he doesn't realize what's happened for a few seconds. Once he does process what has just occurred he knows he's not gonna survive. He doesn't panic or even try to put up a fight; instead his thoughts travel back to many situations he'd been through with his secret lover, Alexander Hamilton.  
The first time they met. They quickly became friends and stayed up late that night talking hidden in a small group of trees. They spoke as if instead of being the only two awake at the camp they were the only two on Earth. It started as nothing more than two people becoming friends. They told each other why they'd joined the revolution. He told Alexander of his plans to create the first all black military regiment. The rest of that night’s so hazy, they were both drunk, but he remembers what happened towards the end of it. Alexander offered that they could return to his tent. John knew it would be risky to do so; what could they do together in a tent that they cannot just do out here? They'll see each other in the morning, what reason would they have for being in his tent together? Surely this could cause suspicions. But he did want to be there with him so he agreed.  
They silently got into the small tent together, being careful that nobody hears.  
“Why'd we come here?” John questioned.  
Alexander ignored the question, “Laurens, you're beautiful.”  
John blushed at the compliment. “Do you- are we...I…should we...is this...” John couldn't find the right words to say so he just stopped talking and kissed Alexander.  
He pulled away with fear in his eyes, “I’m sorry; that's wrong. We’re not supposed to-” he was cut off by Alexander kissing him back.  
John pulled away once again, “Alexander, we cannot do this. I've thought of being with another man before, evidently so have you, but to actually act on those feelings? It's not...it's...we’re supposed to find wives. We could never get married or- or have a life together. Should we really be getting involved with one another?”  
“John, do you want to get involved?”  
“Of course I do. But if someone were to find out,” he trailed off.  
“They won't- they don't have to,” Alexander assured.  
He nodded and let Alexander kiss him deeply and, laying him onto the ground, eventually began to undress John and himself as things escalated. The memory of their first night together fades away into a different one. This one was a few weeks after that night. While both being aide-de-camps for Washington they were left alone to their work. Of course now that they're alone they disregard the work and solely pay attention to each other.  
“Has anybody caught on?” John worried.  
Alexander placed a hand on his shoulder, “No.” He leaned in to give John a kiss. John kissed back, moving their mouths together at a more desperate quickened pace. He let Alexander push him on top of the desk, ignoring the papers that fell to the ground. Alexander placed a hand between John's legs, earning a gasp. John let Alexander feel him up even more until he moved and accidentally kicked an open container of ink off of the desk. At first they claimed they'd clean it up later, then they heard General Washington approaching the building on horseback. Alexander quickly moved off of John and began to pick up the papers that fell off. Meanwhile John did his best to wipe the ink from the wooden floor. They still had some time alone in the room after the cleanup so Alexander pressed John against the wall and kissed him again.  
“Hm,” John pulled back, “what we keep doing is wrong.”  
“It is; how does it feel?” Alexander whispered, lightly biting at John's ear.  
John restrained a moan, “That is not the point.”  
He slipped a hand into the waist of John's pants, “Do you enjoy it?”  
John answered the question with an honest yes.  
“It's just,” John moved Alexander’s hand out of his pants, “I want to be with you. I mean be with you as if we were able to be wed; not just through physical lust.”  
Alexander began to twirl a strand of John's hair around his finger. “Laurens, I want the same. However we both know that's not possible. But I can do this. I can make you feel good,” he got on his knees in front of him and began fumbling with his belt. “If you want.”  
“I do,” John breathed. Alexander pulled his belt off; he's interrupted by Washington entering the room.  
He cleared his threat loudly, “Gentlemen. Care to explain?” Neither one of them answered so the situation was just ignored from there on; as if it never happened. They got back to work and Washington pretended to forget about what he saw. Once again this memory fades into another.  
Now it's late at night at a camp in a different location than the first one. John snuck into Alexander’s tent late at night, this time crying because the of reality of them together set in.  
“My dearest, Laurens, what is it?” Alexander wrapped an arm around John who pushes him away.  
“What are we?” John urged, “We’ve definitely gone beyond friendship with our intimacy. What we’ve done is...it's sodomy.”  
“I know. I suppose we are in a courtship.” Alexander wiped the tears of the other man with his sleeve.  
“People are gonna become suspicious,” John shook his head, “where do we go from this point?”  
Alexander pulled John onto his lap and rested his head on his shoulder before speaking, “We do what is expected of us. Find wives, have children, continue our work in the revolution. We continue our affairs in secrecy.”  
“Is the secrecy necessary?” John thought out loud.  
“Absolutely. I love you; I didn't want to but I couldn't help it. You've made me fall in love with you but we could be killed for that. We could face death for our acts.” Alexander made sure that John is the only person who can hear him.  
He nodded, “Fair point, I was being unrealistic. Two men in a courtship, two men having sexually intimate relations? That's practically unheard of. Do you truly think you'll take a woman's hand in marriage?”  
“Of course, it's not as if I could take yours.”  
John sighed, “Alexander, would we continue our relationships after you are wed?”  
Alexander tucked a strand of John's curly hair behind his ear, “I see no reason not to.”  
“It would be not only sodomy but adultery,” Laurens pointed out.  
Alexander brushed it off, “That is beside the point; do you want to continue.”  
John moved from Alexander’s lap to the ground beside them, shifting to face him, “Of course I do. I love you. But I do not fully understand all of this?”  
“What do you mean?” Alexander laid down and John joined, resting his head on his lovers chest.  
John was content curled up against Alexander, “Why is this so unnatural and unknown of if it happened naturally? How many other people have this experience? Feel free to disregard this, I'm just being impractical. I should return to my tent…”  
“Stay here for the night?” Alexander more demanded than offered, “I don't think it would cause trouble.”  
“Alexander,” John protested, “we need to be cautious. What happens if even one person becomes suspicious?”  
“We tell them we were up late discussing what work we must continue to do,” Alexander reassured.  
John decided to stay, “This singlehandedly could ruin your legacy you care so much about.”  
He observed John, “You're worth it.”  
“I wish we could stay like this forever,” he stated and Alexander agreed. They fell asleep in each other's arms. They awoke at sunrise and quickly untangled themselves from each other.  
“Laurens, is there time for you to sneak back to your tent or are we going to stick with the story I explained last night?”  
He considered the circumstances, “We are better off being mostly honest. Say we fell asleep discussing work like you said last night.”  
The memory turns to a less happy one. 1780, Alexander had gone to a ball and met Eliza Schuyler. Now he sat at a table in a tavern with Hercules Mulligan, Marquis De Lafayette, and John Laurens.  
“I have some news,” he announced, “Eliza and I are going to be married.”  
Lafayette and Hercules hugged him and congratulated him first. John faked happiness in front of their friends (and the public) he hugged Alexander, but longer than the other two had.  
“Do we get to meet her?” Hercules chuckled and Lafayette agreed.  
John smiled but made serious eye contact with Alexander, “She's very lucky to have you.”  
“Thank you,” he nodded, “Laurens, we have some aide-de-camp business to discuss in private. Join me back in my tent?”  
“Sure,” he agreed and they excused themselves, leaving Lafayette and Hercules.  
They get inside the tent and John scolded Alexander in a hushed voice, “What are you doing this for? Things were good between us!”  
“They still are, dearest,” Alexander defended, “but I must fake this interest in women to keep us a secret. We can still be together.”  
John gave a sad laugh, “So you give her all your affection in public and I wait in the shadows?”  
Alexander shook his head, “I show her false affection in public. You're the one who gets both my true romantic affections,” he kissed his hand, “and more private affections,” he kissed his neck.  
John held back tears, “I hate you.”  
“Why?” Alexander willed to listen.  
“You made me love you,” John moved away, “I only want a normal life. But now I can't imagine not being with you. You...you stole my heart, as typical as that would sound if I were not also a man.”  
“I wish to have a normal life too; I want us to have a life together. But those two things cannot merge successfully.”  
“I know this,” John sighed, “I just don't want that to be the way it is.”  
“It is.”  
“I know,” he took his hands, “we’ll deal with it as usual?”  
Alexander gave him a quick kiss, “We will.”  
Their relationship went along smoothly until the actual night of the wedding. A drunken John gave a speech before wandering out into the darkness of the night.  
Alexander followed him out, “Are you alright?”  
“The person I'm in love with just got married to someone else,” he didn't turn around, “you decide.”  
“We can still be together,” he repeated the promise.  
“It's not okay now...not that it ever was.”  
He took his wrist and pulled him into the center of a pine tree.  
John swatted away a stem poking him, “Why'd you take me here?”  
“So nobody can see us through all this brush,” he connected their lips only to be pushed away.  
“No. No,” he was crying, “I am not your toy. You either want to be with me or you want to be with her.”  
“Laurens, you know we cannot-”  
“We can. We can run away together,” he pleaded.  
Alexander declined and John nodded in acceptance, “I'm going back to South Carolina soon. There's not much for me here. I...I hope you're happy with her.”  
“How about a final kiss before we part ways forever?”  
He took the chance and that last moment the lovers spent together was the last thought that raced through John’s mind.

 


End file.
